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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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What is the point in buying clothes you won't be wearing for a while?
I mean, they were some really amazing sales. Three bras for 75% off, a skirt of 82% off. But a mini-skirt at the start of winter (well, this is Texas, I guess) and cute underclothes when I have no intention of wearing them in front of someone any time soon. It seems silly, especially when you take into account that I am not generating any income right now. Curse my love of clothing! I'm resisting CDs better than I'm resisting clothes and usually CDs are my biggest weakness. I've only bought one in the last month and I was on sale for $4 on Amazon. I mean come on! I was a double-disc- almost 2.5 hours for less than the cost of an average meal.
God, I am a product of a consumer society, aren't I?
Actually, I bought a couple other shirts this month that weren't on sale, I just really, really wanted them. I have enough clothing already! Why do I do this? Maybe it's a feeling of gaining something new when I am moving back in with my parents and giving up some of the freedoms I had. It's probably really because I should stop going into clothing stores with my mom (and other people) where the fitting rooms are near the clearance section and I browse while waiting.
BTW, going into Fredrick's with my mom: not as awkward as I expected it to be.
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Monday, September 28th, 2009
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There's something slightly comfortable about being really sick. Maybe it's because no one expects you to get out of bed and do things. I can shrug the weight off my shoulders and curl up like a little kid. The only problem is the sleeplessness that a fever brings.
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Thursday, August 27th, 2009
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I have insomnia. It sucks, especially because when I am manic I get rather impulsive, so I decide I am craving food for a particular restaurant or I want to watch a particular movie that I don't own or there's a friend I want to call; that's difficult to impossible to manage between midnight and 9am.
It really fucks with my sense of time. Days seem to shift so slowly, like my God, that was yesterday? I thought that was way back on Wednesday. Wednesday was only yesterday??? Two or three weeks have gone by in the last 72 hours and I wonder at the fact that no one else has noticed this. My internal clock is trying to adjust to freakish jet-lag without any actual change in time zone.
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Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
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Seeing friends is good. I am lucky to have such awesome people in my life. Fun, interesting people. I missed you guys.
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Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
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I quit my job on Sunday. I didn't really mean to, but I got pissed and said some things I shouldn't and that was the end of that.
Seriously, I am about to scream. It seems like everything I try to do explodes. I leave my job even though I need it. My AC breaks down. My vacuum smokes when I try to use it. My computer starts to malfunction again after I thought I'd fixed it. All the produce in the fridge suddenly goes rotten again. And that's just the past couple days. I've been going through 2 months of days like this. And if there's karma I'm wondering what I did to deserve this.
I think about the story of Job (which I haven't actually read) but since I don't have faith it can't really be tested, cuz I believe God isn't really fucking with anything here on Earth, so it has to be some really bad luck. I'm tired and frustrated.
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Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
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Travis County says they paid for my bond with a personal bond. My parents hired a bondsman who says he paid for my bond. They can't have both paid it, so why are they both asking me for money?
Also, I kind of hope my mother calls the bondsman, rather than my father doing it, cuz he's very irrational when annoyed and often threatens violence. That tends to get him into trouble.
At work yesterday I got grumbled at for sending myself on break by using my own judgment as to the most convenient time instead of waiting for someone to send me. (Also, this was 25 minutes after my scheduled break time.) So when it was time to go home I decided to wait for someone to release me to prove a point and to rack up a little extra money. 15 minutes after I was supposed to leave I mentioned it to the manager on duty (the same one who grumbled at me earlier in fact) when she came back to check on the fitting room who checked the timesheet then came back to send me home. This is the second time in a week that I've been released 15 minutes late because I didn't find someone and tell them I was supposed to leave until then. Sometimes I don't get sent on breaks so I go when things slow down. Sometimes I inform someone and sometimes I don't bother. I think it can be fairly classified as being self-sufficient rather than insubordinate.
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I did not know it was possible to be this tired. God I wish I could sleep through the night.
Oh, and I got a bunch of really cheap clothes at work today. Yay sales!
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You know, sometimes I forget why I get along so much better with my father now that I've moved out until I start spending a lot of time at my parents' place again.
We're considering the idea of getting me a new car rather than a used car. It is, after all, year-end closeout season. *sardonic snort* That'd be nice, though I've always been afraid of driving and considering my tendency to get small dings and scrapes on my car, the thought of driving a new one is a bit more daunting. Don't really know why. I guess I feel like old cars are nearing the end of their lifetimes anyway and won't have to live with the scars long. Or something like that.
You know, I do think to myself that if it weren't for driving to work I could make do without a car, but of course having one makes things like 10PM HEB runs easier since I don't like walking/ waiting at a bus stop at night. Maybe if I were a black belt, but I'm not top notch at self-defense these days.
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Sometimes I am surprised by how well I can hold myself up, not scream or throw things, but I am wearing thinner and I don't think I'm going to make it through the day tomorrow.
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Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
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I hate my life.
Really?
I've had times when I have hated living or hated the state I am living in more.
Look back a year or so at my entries and see: I was miserable.
So I am going through a lot of bullshit right now. Why despair?
Totaled car vis-a-vis work:
Can't drive to work or take bus--Need rides
Rides--somebody's going to drive me 45 minutes out of their way to take me to work until I can buy a new car?
New car?--I don't make enough money, mother and father unemployed and work 3 hours a week, respectively, so no loan
Lose rides=lose job
Accept 5hr/wk at Sunset Valley Old Navy because I can walk there if they'll still take me?
Totaled car & suspended license vis-a-vis morale:
I can get rides to parties- means I'll always know at least one person there when I show up :)
I can still go to clubs/ drink with my passport as ID so socializing isn't out of the question
Going to parties in San Marcos--highly unlikely anyone will drive up to Austin just to take me back down
I live within walking distance of a library, a grocery store, and several eateries
Unfortunately, Target and Walmart are a distance away, as is the nearest Sonic
I live on a bus line
It's fucking hot to be outside walking or waiting for the bus
I'm just so sick of dealing with changes and balancing things that are up in the air all the time. Is life always going to be like this? God, I fucking hate being responsible!! I don't want to be in charge of anything sometimes!! I mean financial planning, balancing a social schedule, even making sure I eat every day takes a lot of conscious thought and it seems like all I ever try to do is fix things that aren't going the way they ought to and don't even have time for the basics let alone anything that lifts my cares. I don't even fucking want to read children's adventure stories anymore cuz even when I know they end up ok, they're still filled with doom, doom, fucking doom just all the time, and usually the common person has to save the day, and it's all well and good to think us common people will win it out in the end, but do you really want to have to fight to save what you love? Admit it, if you had a strong urge to fight what you loved you'd join the armed services. I respect out armed forces because I could never fill their shoes no matter who was dooming my way of life. Every movie, every book I like has doom in there somewhere because stories without stakes are very boring, but even if I know the fate of Harry Potter or Jim Hawkins I'm scared when he's scared. RPGs, though a delight of escapism, are all about conquering challenges and defeating one's foes. Puzzles of any kind offer frustration. I can't even lull myself to sleep at night because I am out of scenarios without obstacles to dream about.
I hate this! I don't want to commit suicide, no fear, but I want something to change and I don't even know what that is. Times like these I think about committing myself so I can surrender some control of my life, but I'm completely sane and lucid right now, just frustrated and confused, so I don't even know if they'd take me.
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Rocketboom is auditioning a new anchor--two actually. I kind of want to audition, but on the small chance I get the job, I'd have to move to NYC or LA and you know how I get without my security net of friends nearby.
Still, part of me is contemplating what I would want to do for an audition video.
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This is snippets of a convo among my family. I can't remember all of it. The first sentence was mine and is actually true. The rest...
Well Rue 21's plus size store is called Avenue. And their line for sluts is Expressway. Their men's big and tall is called Boulevard. Petites is called Cul-de-Sac. What would accessories be? Tollboth? Tollbooth is their line for gold diggers--if you have enough money, we'll let you through. Is the one for really skinny girls Alley? Underwear would be off-ramp. Or Back Alley. No, that's their fetishist's line.
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Man, this insomnia thing is killing me! I can't sleep at night and when I do finally fall asleep I end up sleeping all day. I have to go to work at 7 tomorrow. (Tomorrow as in Sunday. I figure that even if you haven't slept, 6AM is still the next morning.) So I'm trying to just stay up till 9 or 10 then crash and be able to get up at 6. Hope that works. In the mean time, what do I do now?
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Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
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I just watched Return of the Dragon, and I've got to say Chuck Norris has the most disgusting back hair ever.
Also, WTH was up with the kitty?
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I can't sleep. (Explains me being up at 4AM.) I can't sleep cuz I daydream myself to sleep and I can't think of anything good to daydream about. I'll take a few pages from The Onion, a magazine, one of the books I'm reading, and none of that seems to inspire me or wear out my brain. I guess I feel unsettled. I guess I could also blame it on staying up till 5AM last night talking religion and physics with one of my old roommate's friends with whom I seem to have developed a facebook chat friendship with. Those kinds of friends can be odd cuz when you see them in person you know them, but you've only spoken to them once. But Sean has moved away and so have I for that matter, so I'll probably never see him in person again anyhow.
It's close enough to 5AM now, though, and I'm still not sleepy.
Saw Star Trek tonight at the IMAX. I liked it. Loved Bones, but I always have. I like that they made Chekov more than just a comedic accent, too. Actually, they played up everybody being brilliant. The movie keeps creeping into my daydreams while I try to sleep except I can't find a suitable place for myself in those dreams, so they get boring cuz I can't interact and I wake up.
Cut my hair.
God, this is a boring entry.
I'm hungry. I've been eating peanuts and they just aren't cutting it.
My leg was bleeding. It got blood all over the bed- the cloth on the box spring, actually. (Like, a lot. Must have smeared it across.) Those Tide to Go pens are pretty badass, though. Stain all gone. Wouldn't take the soy sauce out of my shirt the other day, though. So remember ladies and gents: Tide to Go triumphs over blood stains but not soy sauce. Useful information if you plan on spilling one of those on yourself.
Remember that section Vital Information on All That? I love that show. I need to find it on DVD. "If you have a neighbor named Billy, it is a bad idea to throw him off the roof and yell 'It's raining Billy!'" (Or something like that. I forget. It's been a while.) Oh god, and Repairman man man man...! And Ask Ashley- that one sucked. It's sad to say with as bad as Amanda Bynes' career is right now, at least it's better than Ask Ashley and The Amanda Show. And she has a career, which is more than anyone from All That other than Keenan Thompson can say.
I have a huge, painful bruise on my right knee. The other night I came home and the lock didn't unlatch properly and I thought I was locked out and Alicia was asleep and not getting my texts and I thought I was locked out, but I kept screwing with the lock and suddenly the door yielded. So when I got home tonight I thought the same thing had happened so I attempted to knee the door open, but this time it was actually locked, so I gave myself a pretty nasty bruise. It hasn't appeared yet, but I can feel it. It made me limp cuz bending my knee is painful. Dammit.
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...our washing machine works! Clean laundry in-home.
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Bought a new computer. I was spurred to this by the fact that the DVD drive on my last computer was broken and after moving the couch into my room it was more essential that I could watch DVDs in here.
It sucks.
I got a text from my parents saying that they bought me a new computer before I said that I had decided I wanted one, just that the old one was having problems. This, however, means they didn't check to find out that my computer is IEE and the new one is SATA. My fancy video card didn't fit and my the adapter on my second hard drive made it too long to fit into the slot. It's an external drive now.
The computer also doesn't wake up from sleep mode properly and what I had assumed was the power off button on the taskbar is actually a sleep button. (Then why put a power symbol on it? Why not a crescent moon like everyone else does? Well fuck you, Vista!) This has resulted in me having to unplug the computer because it wouldn't wake up properly and the on/off switch wouldn't work despite holding it down for ages. Ugh.
In response, I never plan on buying anything from eMachines/ Gateway (they rebranded) again. Not after the way the monitor whines and the computer won't wake up from sleep properly and its power switch won't necessarily turn it off.
On a tangential note, I hate this new keyboard. It's flat like a laptop keyboard and if you've ever seen me try to type on those, you'd get it. I still have my old one, and I only switched to the new one cuz it has a mute button on it, but that may not be worth the way my fingers slip across the keys. The world of touchscreens and smaller, flatter devices does not work well for those with crooked-fingered, shaky hands. Thanks for making me feel inadequate technology industry!
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Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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This has been increasingly bothering me lately.
Have you ever been to my apartment in San Marcos or my room at my parents' house? This will make sense to you, then.
My roommate thinks I'm a slob. I'm not. You know this. Yes, I allow my shoes to pile up by the door before thinking 'Ok, 11 pairs. This is ridiculous; put them away.' Yes I usually wait for 2 dirty pots before I wash dishes. Maybe I leave a glass out overnight. But I don't leave trash out and I put away everything I used to cook my food after I've finished eating (not after I've finished cooking, because what if I decide I want more rosemary or another bowl of cereal?)
I'm a creature of convenience.
A place for everything, but not everything goes back into its place right away. I'll probably wear those sneakers tomorrow or I'm still in the middle of that homework project taking up half the living room table.
So it gets a little annoying when my roommate puts the stuff I left in the living room outside my door. It's a living room. I intend on living in that space.
And I don't think she realized it's extremely patronizing to say "Aww... You cleaned the kitchen." Well it was dirty. So duh.
You know what? Who cleans out the fridge every couple weeks when food in there gets moldy or rotten? Who wipes down the kitchen counters and cabinets? Who sweeps, who vacuums? Who takes pizza boxes to the dumpster the next morning instead of letting them sit on the kitchen table for a week? So don't give me bullshit about never cleaning. I don't put things away immediately, but I clean a lot more thoroughly.
And don't act surprised when I say that I'm going to organize the pantry because I can never find anything. Don't laugh when I say I like things to be organized. I want to find anything I need immediately. My closet is sorted by item type and most recently worn. My books are organized by genre. My CDs and records are alphabetized. My alcohol is sorted onto shelves by type. When things are thrown in the cabinet randomly, and I don't even know what shelf to look for my food on, that wastes my time and annoys me and sometimes I'm not even sure if I'd eaten those canned peaches so perhaps I am hunting around for 15 minutes completely in vain. Stuff I leave on the table or the floor can be found easily with a glance around the room, and anything else needs to be organized so I don't need to dig.
So there you have it. I feel pissed and misinterpreted. You'd think after knowing me for 18 years she'd A)Know I leave my stuff around the apartment and B)know me well enough to know that I haven't died for diseases festering in my dwellings so I must clean up some.
On an unrelated note: there's a weight loss ad on the side of the screen, and the before and after people are quite obviously not the same person. For one thing, she would have gone from a DD or and EE to a B cup losing about 50 lbs, and that just doesn't happen. Also, the after picture girl has a pierced belly button. Now she could have pierced it after losing weight, but it is not a fresh piercing.
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